The Sound of Heartbreak

It’s in the still moments in the pockets of silence in noisy rooms in the spaces between pressed bodies that I find that my heart still beats unevenly, still hasn’t found its rhythm, still trips over the shards of your promises.

It’s in these very moments when all is gay and merry when laughter fills the room that I am unable to join in as I find that I must fight back the tears at the very thought of you.

It’s the second it takes for a joke to register and my smile to form. The time between seeing your face and remembering you aren’t mine.

If you listen carefully you can hear the pieces fall.

Luckily no one listens, or cares and thus the sound of heartbreak seems like a deafening silence.

So in my silence please know that I am trying my best to muffle the sound of all my hurt and tears. If you hear it, smile and pretend you didn’t.

Dear Last First, Thank you

Thank you, in advance.

Thank you for not finding me to be too much, too extra, too much to handle, too dramatic, too anything.

Thank you for finding me to be just enough for you. Thank you for your patience, thank you for your understanding, thank for realizing that I give so much more than I get.

Thank you for growing with me, learning with me and just being you.

Thank you for being a good match to all my extra, over the top, too much, too dramatic. Thank you for this unconditional acceptance that makes you the Last First. Thank you for being you and accepting me.

Dear Last First, I can’t wait to meet you. Be careful out there in the world.

Thank you in advance.

Quitting You

Your touch,

your kisses,

you are so addictive.

It’s like I got a chance to try a line of pure cocaine and then was cut off and left to have crack.

Let’s face it,

crack is WHACK.

I’m not sure how to fight the addiction but I sure wish you were around to wean me off correctly,

to make sure I could come down off this high properly without the crash.

 

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Dear Last First- About My Defenses

Dear Last First,

I’m sure you have noticed that I am very guarded. I like to think that I keep my heart in an ivory tower surrounded by a moat behind an impossibly high wall. Experience with previous first has thought me extreme caution.

Be patient with me when my sarcasm is the first thing I respond with. Be kind when I open up. Be honest in your interest. Be open with me and I’ll be the same with you. Share with me your ups and downs so we can learn how we’ll be when times are rough.

I find that I am afraid at the thought of letting someone in and being taken advantage of.

Getting me to let my guard down is not an impossible task. If you are open and willing to work to get to know me this could be great. I promise you won’t have to scale the wall or fight dragons. I’ll climb down the tower stairs, lower the drawbridge and open the gates to let you in.

Hopefully, all my defenses don’t scare you away.

Be safe. I can’t wait to meet you!

SMILE- A Short Story

“Honestly, it’s probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. ”

The sound of his voice droned on but she didn’t hear very many of the words after these. Leaving her had been one of the best decisions of his life? She was floored. Intellectually she understood that he was referring to accepting the job offer nearly eight hundred miles away from her but that didn’t change how she felt. How could he continue speaking? Did he not see how he was tearing all the band aids from her nearly healed heart? The very same heart she could feel pulling itself up through her throat as if it wished to dive to its destruction from her lips to the cold concrete beneath her feet. She swallowed as she tried to focus on his words.

“So having said all that, what do you say? How about it?”

Before she could admit that she hadn’t heard a single word he’d said the sun beamed across his face as if asking that she stop to really look at him. The smile that hadcouple crept onto his face fascinated her. It always had. With no forethought on her part, she found that she was smiling right back at him. This is how he always got to her. Every time.

“So?” He asked again.

As she shook herself out of her reverie she finally looked down  at his hands. She was speechless and knew she should have been paying attention to his words. Tears filled her eyes with complete disregard for her mascara. Her heart ran back into her chest and fell to her feet. As she looked at his smile she understood that there was only answer that would keep that look on his face.

“Yes,” she replied.

Dear Last First Date

Dear Last First Date, let’s do something fun for our first date. Let’s go somewhere we can talk to each other without too many distractions. Let’s do something that requires movement. Maybe a hike or mini golf or even a city treasure hunt?

Dear Last First Date be open and honest and allow me to be the same. Let’s take a chance that this could be the last time either of us has to be this vulnerable with someone new.

Dear Last First Date tell me a joke. Make me laugh, share your humor with me, maybe even laugh at my jokes. They may be tired or even lame but that’s what I find funny. Don’t turn the joke on me and my laughing at me or making fun of the things that make me smile.

Dear Last First Date when the date is over let me know where I stand. Tell me you enjoyed my company don’t make me wonder if the spark was there for you too. Dear Last First Date let’s be open to the possibility of forever. Let’s agree to let this be what it will be. Dear Last First Date, let’s make our first date A night to remember. After all, we will be telling that story for years to come.

Be safe I can’t wait to meet you.

FIrst Date

5 Ways to Get Moving in the Morning

My Mother’s Daughter can be such a procrastinator. I often find myself waking up early but still leaving the house later than I would like. It’s an ongoing battle for me.

This morning, while laying in bed when I could have been working out, I scoured the net for ways to get my day started right.

Here are some of the tips I found. Just in case you too have this affliction.ea53a9604b8b629c3a7aeaddcbe8b005-wake-up-time-morning-background

Mind Body Green has a great article on 5 Positive Ways to Start Your Morning.

I found number one to be a great start.

1. When you wake up in the morning, take a few minutes to check-in (go within). Take a few deep breaths and find something that you’re gratefulfor (your children, partner, your health, the warm bed you are in, nature outside your window). Take this time to be thankful for all that you have in your life instead of wasting your energy on thinking about what you don’t have.

Read the rest of the article here.

 

The Positivity Blog has 7 tips on how to start your day.

5. Get some positive information into your mind over breakfast.

Start your day with something that does not depress you or makes you feel powerless to change your life or the world in some small or bigger way.

Add inspiration and optimism by for example:

  • Reading one or a couple of new posts from positive, funny or uplifting blogs or websites.
  • Listening to a podcast that boosts your motivation.
  • Reading a chapter from a book that inspires you.

The other tips can be found on their site.

 

The largest list I found was at lifehack.org. They have 25 ideas for starting your day off right!

For me the hardest of these would be number 7.

7. Stay off social media

If you’re one of the people that checks their social media or email as soon as you wake up – stop that now! I didn’t realize how much it affects you until you stop doing it for a while. Each morning spent away from social media is so much more relaxed, peaceful, and joyful. We aren’t screamed at by a constant influx of information and messages and our mind has the capacity to just be.

Would any of these tips work for you? What have you tried that gets you going in the morning?

 

 

 

SEX – A Short Story

His gaze swept over her and she basked in its warmth as one would the suns rays after they emerged from cloudy cover.  She stared at his lips,  full and soft, delicious like swiss spun chocolate.  His kisses starting behind her right  ear and cascading down her neck.  Halting on her collar bone and causing her knees to nearly give up the task of holding her upright. She wrapped her arms around his rock solid waist and ran her fingers up his washboard abs. Lord knew the man had earned every single bit of his fine physique.

Moaning as she attempted to get even closer to him she wrapped her legs around him to prepare for his thrust and she was shaken out of her reverie.

“So is that a yes,” he repeated. “Yes, we should have sex.” Realizing she’d spoken aloud her face burned with shame. Fantasies were one thing but say out loud anything even hinting at the nature of the thoughts she had whenever he was near was unbelievable.  “Maybe if dinner goes really well we shall,”he quipped. Oh God, please open the floor to swallow me whole, she pleaded.

When a few seconds passed and that didn’t occur she finally raised her eyes to his and responded with a subdued, “Yes. I meant yes we should have dinner. Nothing more.” His eyes twinkled as he gazed down into her eyes as if he knew that he could take her right on the oversized desk in her office and she wouldn’t even bother to lock the door.   “Then I will see you tonight at eight.”